Sunday, August 4, 2013

One bell chimes today for the Anniversary of Blog

at 10:55 PM
Technically the GNG Holy Video Game Batman! Blog of Time was born around 7/25/12 (it would take less time to look that up than it would to write this sentence but I don't care) but since that's so close to my IRL birthday (today!) we may as well call them the same. Here's a little song dedicated to my first and only son or daughter.


I know this sounds kinda like I'm wishing myself a happy birthday but I swear it's not that. Wait a minute, more importantly: if this blog is my son or daughter, does that mean I had sex with co-bloggers Ezio, Greg L, and Andrew M? We'll just say yes and let them sort out the details. I doubt their defamation lawyer is better than mine.

Friday, August 2, 2013

3DS eShop: It's forreal

at 3:30 PM
Woweee folks, I just downloaded Mighty Switch Force, Mega Man 2, VVVVV, and Sakura Samurai on my 3DS! The moral of this story is don't stay away from gaming for too long because then you'll binge and kick your dog when he doesn't respond to your drunken mutterings!

These 4 games cost just over 20 bucks total, which for me begs all sorts of questions about how anyone can stand to spend 35, 40, or 50 bucks on an 'actual' 3DS title. I barely bought Resident Evil: Revelations, and that dropped to 20.

The quality of Eshop offerings is surprising considering what I see as a general lack of enthusiasm by anyone for the 3DS as a console. With the advent of smartphone gaming, the 3DS fills this weird gap somewhere in the nexus of small children entertainment, gamers who will buy every console, and weirdo Nintendo enthusiasts (myself). But in actuality the 3DS wasn't designed with any specific US market in mind, it was designed for...you guessed it! That island nation we nuked!

I didn't know this because I'm a xenophobe but apparently all the Japanese do is sit on trains going places. We're talking 8 hour commutes on the reg. That's actually how Sir Shigeru Miyamoto San came up with Mario: he worked for an Italian plumber who specialized in train-plumbing and would sit on his ass tracing the mountains as they went by instead of helping unclog the commuter-shit from the train-toilets.

Anyway the Japanese often lack friends because it's a very insular society (insular coming from the latin: island-like). They can't text or snapchat the few friends they have because pillows shaped like anime girls can't text back...yet...so they have to game and the 3DS is their go-to. Every Japanese person buys 2 to 5 3DS's, so it makes sense Nintendo doesn't give a shit about the American market. How could they when it takes every ounce of their creativity name the colors for the upcoming DS re-release?

(http://nintendo3ds.wikia.com/wiki/List_of_Nintendo_3DS_colors)

While the 3DS lacks the major selling point of game development for, say, the iphone, in that everyone has it with them constantly and society no longer considers it rude to be on your phone literally all the damn time, the Nintendo handheld has obviously done some things right in attracting developers for small-scale niche and retro gaming. After I get through these latest purchases I still have Mutant Mudds, Pushmo and Crashmo, Nightsky, Mighty Switch Force 2, and a few other to go! With so much quality gaming at such reasonable prices it gets hard to care about anything else in life at all. Wait since I know Yourself is reading this I'll interrupt this irregularly scheduled blog post to ask him if he has anything fun on his 3DS sd card that I can borrow. Well? Do you?

Ok well I'll quit while I'm ahead. Here's this video:




Tuesday, July 30, 2013

LPGA Terranigma: The Phantom Menace

at 4:40 PM

The next half hour of Terranigma takes us through most of the remainder of Act 1, which I think means the fourth and fifth tower. I dunno, I'm not watching a half hour video. You should though, because you haven't played Terranigma or experienced such delightful [sic] commentary. Crank up the volume so you can make out the laughs and tears, the triumphs and failures, the dungeons and dragons. 

Monday, July 29, 2013

Indie developers of America: Something to be ashamed of.

at 12:35 PM
edit, later in the day: I renamed this post because it doesn't seem appropriate to single out Fish - I only chose him because he's the one that spurred this reverie (with the Fez 2 news). As discussed in the post, everyone on that panel is equally culpable for their ignorance and inability to either name a modern Japanese game or acknowledge that they haven't played many.

So I haven't followed anything related to Phil Fish or his Fez sequel, as I've yet to get around to playing the first game, but I noticed that he's been stirring up quite a bit of drama over the past week. I was surprised and a bit curious, as all I knew of Fez was that it had been well-received and relatively successful. Soon I learned that Fish is not exactly popular, and found my way to the video below. It's hard to watch, but seriously, tough it out - you'll learn just how hard you can cringe.


Like it or not, you've gotta admit: Fish has a point.

Wait a minute, no he doesn't.

What bothers me isn't so much that Phil Fish, Fat McMillen, and Baldy McGoo think that Japanese games suck. They're entitled to their own dumbass opinions that they can feel free to shit all over Tweeter, the Internet, and their personal friends and family. It's not even that Fish (and the rest of the panel, bursting into laughter) were flat-out rude to a respectful stranger with a genuine question. It's that this panel is meant to be representative of indie developers (implicitly "of America"), and it should be an honor both to sit on it and to have young lads such as this questioner seek their opinion. Being placed on such a pedestal is inherently validating. To use such a platform to spout conceited ignorance paints the entire indie community as conceited and ignorant, making me personally feel ashamed to support or associate with it. These are the people that represent us?

It takes it to the next level that they addressed this opinion about Japanese games to a Japanese game developer. It's nice to know that the indie devs of America feel comfortable lumping all Japanese games into one category - I'm sure they wouldn't mind if I likewise told them their games suck because they're all boring assembly line military shooters and open-world minigame-fests? In failing to contextualize their absolute stereotypes, they as near as explicitly said: "your game sucks, because you are Japanese, and all Japanese games suck" - which tells me that not only are these dipshits ignorant, they're radically elitist. You can't be one of them, because you are held back by invisible hands to which they are not subject

One would imagine an indie developer would have at least the courtesy to acknowledge the difference between mainstream and indie Japanese games, yet these guys come out swinging with Skyward Sword as their only example. Sorry - can we stop the conversation right there? You've just evidenced your ignorance - why not be honest and admit that your perspective on Japanese gaming is severely limited? The way-too-late catch-all "don't blog about this, there are exceptions" doesn't count - mentioning Street Fighter IV doesn't exactly give me confidence in the breadth of your knowledge. I'm not saying everyone needs to know about Japanese games, or even that these guys should - one man can only play so many games, and I couldn't care less which he chooses. The line into retard-ignorance is crossed when they start passing judgment on a culture of which they've chosen to be ignorant. Listening to Baldy condescendingly hand out a lesson about tutorials makes me feel like I'm listening to Christian missionaries in the 17th century trying to educate "savages"; "we don't know about your ways, so they are Wrong".

I'm not even going to get into how arbitrary these guys' accusations of Japanese games are (whining about interfaces? aren't indie developers supposed to be actualizing the artistic aspect of the medium, not the menu aspect?), but I can't end the conversation without pointing out that Fish's Fez is aesthetically a 100% clone of Cave Story, a Japanese indie game eight years older than his own. That he so shamelessly plagiarized his work doesn't terribly surprise me (sorry, it's rampant in the industry), but that he then had the audacity to indict the culture from which he stole as "behind the times" is shocking beyond the point of comedy. 

I was going to check out Fez at some point, just out of my general personal obligation to support indie games, but at this point I'd burn in hell sooner than put a dime into Fish's purse. Someone with so little respect for the medium and his position in it doesn't deserve to be sustained by it. While I certainly don't think a creator's mantra should have any effect on the perception of their work, it very well has an effect on my willingness to pay them for it (that is to say, Fez isn't necessarily a bad game because Fish is a tard, but it is now a game I won't pay to play).

There's a bit of a happy ending to the story: Fish canceled Fez 2 and quit the industry because of the Internet Bitchslap handed to him over this and some other "vitriolic" (i.e. "idiotic") comments he's made in the last few weeks. And no, the industry doesn't "need" people like Fish who "speak their minds", as many shitbrains like Cliff Gearzinski have declared in his defense in the wake of the Fez 2 meltdown. The industry needs people who play games (you'd be surprised how few developers do) and are willing to admit that they don't know everything. The entire reason the mainstream industry (both in the US and Japan) is so backwards is that it's led by imbeciles like Cliffy B, Blow, and Fish - morons with their heads jammed so far up their own assholes that they don't realize anyone else is out there making games. 

Friday, July 26, 2013

Not the Gradius you thought it was

at 4:57 PM
It's nowhere near a big deal, but even I'm getting confused by our mixture of multi-regional names for Gradius/Nemesis games. Reading the intro of Greg L's Spaceman Beau post, I couldn't figure out what specifically he meant by the "Gradius knockoff", Nemesis, as Nemesis is Gradius. There were MSX-only sequels named Nemesis 2 and Nemesis 3, but were those originally intended as a series, or only linked by name? We're about to learn.
Nemesis (GB) is pretty by early Game Boy standards, even featuring some parallax scrolling
So here comes a reference guide to all early (pre-1991) Gradius/Nemesis games with their regional/platform-specific titles, listed chronologically. Obviously Japan got all of the games in all of their forms, Europe mostly saw arcade and MSX titles, and North America got arcade and Nintendo-console entries. The only platforms I'm listing exhaustively are those that had an original entry: Arcade, NES, MSX, SNES, PC-Engine (Turbo-Grafx), and Game Boy. There are other ports out there (for Windows, Amiga, ZX Spectrum, so forth), but they all follow in line with major releases according to region. Note that the Game Boy Nemesis games are not ports of the MSX titles, hence their separate listing. After 1991, all regions got the same games under the same titles (all tagged with "Gradius"), so there's no sense in listing them here.

Japanese TitleEuropean TitleNorth American Title
Gradius (Arc/NES); Nemesis (MSX)Nemesis (MSX/Arc)Nemesis (Arc), Gradius (NES)
Salamander (Arc/MSX/NES)Salamander (Arc/MSX/NES)Life Force (Arc/NES)
Gradius 2 (MSX)*Nemesis 2 (MSX)--
Gradius II (Arc/NES/PCE)Vulcan Venture (Arc)--
Gofer no Yabo Episode II (MSX)Nemesis 3 (MSX)--
Gradius III (Arc/SNES)--Gradius III (Arc/SNES)
Nemesis (GB)Nemesis (GB)Nemesis (GB)
Nemesis II (GB)Nemesis II (GB)Gradius: Interstellar Assault

*released as Nemesis '90 Kai on Sharp X8600

By looking at Japan's list, we can see the clear lineage of the pre-'91 series: four major arcade games, two MSX spinoffs, and two independent Game Boy releases. Japan was the only audience to get all three pure Gradiuses (I, II, and III). We can also observe from this column that the only games originally designated "Nemesis" are those on Game Boy.

The second column makes it clear that Europe would certainly know this as the Nemesis series, not Gradius. Oddly, their main line was repurposed and renamed from a hodgepodge of unrelated spinoffs. Aside from the ostensibly unrelated arcade release Vulcan Venture, Europe never got a proper follow-up to the original Gradius/Nemesis.
The MSX had some bright colors, but its rendition of Vic Viper is as primitive as they come

North America got the fewest games of any region, though that's really just due to the absence of MSX releases. With the exception of Gradius II, the main arcade entries and their Nintendo ports all made it over here. As such, the American perspective at the time would probably hold that Nemesis was nothing more than a standalone Gradius-like handheld game. 

What we've learned here is that there really is no such thing as a Nemesis game, except on Game Boy. Everything else was originally designed and designated as an MSX incarnation of Gradius, only to be retitled in Europe.

Sorry, I realize this post was little more than a synthesis of data culled entirely from Wikipedia and MobyGames. That's life in the big city. Have a happy weekend!

also what is this blog like gradius jr. these days? we really need new subject matter