Monday, September 22, 2014

Pièce de résistance: The Arnold (cocktail)

at 6:00 PM
Alright so in the quest to bring some real manly toughness to the table but also the iconic delicacy that has made Arnold the superstar he is today, we had to get pretty creative.


The key element in any cocktail is beer. I do not want to drink something that isn't a beer, so don't offer me some dainty conical or tiny highball glass of "spirits" topped with something called a "garnish". That ain't right. George Washington would never drink that and neither would Arnold. As mentioned last time, I decided to go with a Belgian-styled ale for the base here. Perhaps the least enjoyable of beers that advertise themselves as Belgian is Blue Moon, your local liquor stores' resident "Belgian White". Blue Moon is about as Belgian as Arnold, so that works. 

That's when I stopped and said "sure, this works, but Arnold didn't get famous for 'just working'." You know who "just works"? Harrison Ford. You don't get elected president of California with the acting chops of a Harrison Ford or a Jeremy Renner (? I am not positive I know who that is). Arnold always took it to the next level. If the script required him to push a car down a mountain, Arnold was there flashing his choppers, adding "guaraugh!!!!" right before every cut, and flexing his rippling biceps with perfect timing such as to imply unlimited reserves of power. Intense bravado is the name of the game when it comes to ingredient #2: Weyerbacher's 9.3% ABV Merry Monks' Ale. A tripel with a bready start and a fruity finish, Merry Monks' embodies the hefty flamboyance of Arnold's signature performances.


Let's go back to California. You know who did get elected as the governing authority of the most populous state in the greatest country on the planet? Mr. A. A. Schwarzenegger. In celebration of the only state wise enough to select such an illumined mind (and body) to sign its taxes and declare its bankruptcies, we grabbed the first Californian wine in sight that wasn't a stupid Merlot. It's key that the wine be from Arnold's tenure as state governor, as he emboldened the grapes of those eight years with a potent beefy character that can't be found on any other vine. 

At a time when American confidence in governance was flagging, Arnold stood up and took the next step in uniting the American people; he proved once and for all that being a movie star isn't as important as individual participation in democracy. A man who reached for the sky and caught all fifty stars, Arnold is truly as "American as Apple Pie", which is why we couldn't finish this drink without a hearty shot of the down-home American classic: apple pie liqueur. 

What is "neutral grain spirit"?
Without further ado, here is the recipe for...

The Arnold
-5oz Belgian white (Blue Moon used)
-5oz Belgian tripel (Weyerbacher's Merry Monks' Ale used)
-1.5 oz Californian red wine aged 2003-2011 (Ravenswood 2011 Shiraz used)
-1.5 oz apple pie liqueur

Mix all ingredients chilled. Do not shake. The spiced apple liqueur imbues the crisp, highly carbonated beer with a cider-like character which the Shiraz tops with a totally unnecessary 'wine' potency that overpowers the rest of the drink the same way Arnold overpowered the T-1000. Enjoy at your leisure.

About three drinks worth of alcohol in one, the Arnold packs one hell of a wallop. Not every man can stand up to such a challenge, but those who do will come out a little more like Mr. Universe. Remember to drive carefully.
God DAMN

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