For hopefully the last time I ever publicly discuss Mega Man X7, let's talk about Mavericks. In the spirit of wonderfully creative portmanteau names, why not offer some alternates in the form of anagrams?
FLAME HYENARD
Okay, he's definitely a hyena, but what ends in "rd" or "ard" that would describe a mentally deranged dog-man who runs in circles and screams the word "burn" so frequently that he often can't make it through the first syllable without interrupting himself? Best anagram: Handle my fear!
VANISHING GUNGAROO
Pretty easy one here - it's a kangaroo who rides around in the front pouch of a giant mech (actually a clever way of integrating X's animal and ride-mech themes). The mech carries the Maverick like an Indian water-bearer carries his burden, thence Gunga Din + kangaroo = Gungaroo. Best anagram: Ongoing vagina rush.
SPLASH WARFLY
I was tempted to believe war fly could be an actual species, maybe one that was particularly recognized for hanging around the carnage of battlefields. I may have been thinking of the Black Fly. Why when you look up pictures of flies are they always perched on human skin? It's like we've encoded into the entire phylum this notion of personal intrusion. Someone oughta get these guys a microaggressions lawyer. A micro-lawyer? Best anagram: Wasps shall fry!
RIDE BOARSKI
Take away this motorcycle man's wheels and you bet you'll find him chasing his speed fix out on the slopes, skiing down the double black diamonds in record time. We've got all the bases covered and filled in quite a bit of backstory too. Best anagram: I broker AIDS. Hey, someone's gotta do it.
SNIPE ANTEATOR
The wise, veteran member of Red Alert's ensemble, nimbly picking apart his opponents' psychology with years of battle experience to draw upon. Thus the name must refer to Shakespeare's most famous poem, "To be, or not to be" - a question all foes looking to defeat Anteator will soon have to answer. Best anagram: Psion Anteater.
TORNADO TONION
Now presumably this is a contraction of a name that once had an apostrophe, like Darby from D'Arby, and historically our Tornado would hail from the T'Onion clan. I find myself picturing an African kingdom, where the T'Onions coexist alongside T'Carrots and T'Artagnans and T'Challas. Not particularly great anagram: Onto triad noon.
SOLDIER STONEKONG
I mean, I think we all know exactly what a Stonekong is. You've seen CONGO, I've seen CONGO; killer volcano apes are not something to be messed with. These guys would rip Donkey Kong's head off and serve it on a silver platter (which is just something they do with any dismembered body parts they have available). Best anagram: Gooks' tenderloins. I apologize for the slur, but you'll have to blame this one on Capcom.
WIND CROWRANG
For one thing, didn't we just have a wind-themed boss in this game? Secondably, isn't Tornado Tonion meant as a clever satire of the dozens of wind/bird Mavericks throughout the series? This seems to undercut that otherwise effective parody. Not to mention this is the hackiest portmanteau of the bunch. Seriously, fuck Wind Crowrang! No anagram!
No comments:
Post a Comment