The 3est Protagonists

Did you see how it looks kinda like "Best" but actually is going to be about the 3 ___est (superlative) protagonists? Eh you'll get it in a second. Then you'll laugh, and laugh, and laugh, and cry, then laugh again, then cry again, by which point the slow-acting poison I've injected into your lunch will have taken effect and you'll be lifeless on the floor. Did you know that last year, over thirty-five blog-readers were killed by slow-acting poisons? Not readers of this blog, of course. I assure you, you're perfectly safe here. Nowhere on the Internet could be as safe as gnggames.blogspot.com. We even have built-in airbags!

So this is a silly idea I had that developed from what I now look back and realize was a better idea, to list my ten funnest protagonists. Instead, I've outsourced the work to the other bloggers, each of us bringing you a list of three protags adorned with appropriate superlatives. I'm gonna kick us off - stay tuned for the (probably better) lists from Greg, Ezio, Andrew, and Elesia, comin' atcha each Tuesday for the next monthish.

Villainousest: Max Payne / Kirby (tie)
It'd be nice if we could take a step back to days when a hero could be pacifistic (or at least a bit toned down), but while the most popular genre of game remains "First Person Shooter", I don't think it's going to happen. So let's fuck it all and just admit it: our protagonists are often villains. Not antiheroes - full-blown villains. Marcus Fenix (Gears of War), Nathan Drake (Uncharted), Optimus Prime (Fall of Cybertron), Wei Shen (Sleeping Dogs) - regardless of supposed values and platitudes, they're thieves, warmongers, and murderers. Kain (Blood Omen) is in fact one of my favorites simply because he is openly so. Of this vast selection of evil protagonists, however, two in particular stand out.

Max Payne is basically a complete shithead. And whoever wrote his dialogue probably shares that trait. I've talked before about how much I hate this character. Max whines and whinges on about what a sorry state his life is in, how he drinks to forget and doesn't have any reason to keep going. In fact, his entire character can be summed up in a short scene:

This is supposed to be "existential" or something, because someone at Rockstar saw a film noir movie, read one paragraph on Wikipedia about the subject, then tried to base this character around it. In fact, it's kinda humorous, and if you gave Max a maniacal laugh, he'd essentially be a more brutal Joker. He kills an endless stream of people (hundreds, if not thousands, by the time Max Payne 3 has closed) because he can't figure out a reason not to. His mantra: "I'll kill until I can figure out why I'm killing".

Kirby isn't particularly more murderous than the traditional platforming head-bopper (though his modus operandi of devouring foes makes his quest a bit more gruesome); like Max, what makes him particularly evil is his purpose, or lack thereof. Kirby has occasionally accomplished something like saving Dreamland (I think? did Adventure even have a story? 64?), and in these cases he can probably be cut some slack (even though he appears to be genociding the inhabitants of the very world he is supposedly preserving). But let's take for example Kirby's Squeak Squad. In this instance, a gang of mice (get it? Squeak Squad?) has run off with... a slice of shortcake Kirby was about to eat. Kirby could get another slice at whatever his local bakery situation may be, but he wants justice. Fair enough. The question this game begs, however, is whether wantonly slaughtering an entire population who likely had nothing to do with the theft is "justice". I have to wonder - is Kirby just indulging his murderous tendencies in the facade of being wronged, or is he delusionally imagining that every person/creature/monster he meets is part of some vast conspiracy to steal his cake?

Loneliest: Sir Lonely (Ghosts'n Goblins series)

Here's the deal with Sir Lonely:

If that doesn't touch your heart, I don't know what will. A hero propelled by his own loneliness through one of the most frustrating, hostile quests of all time. Like five times. As Youtube commenter gentrygh (?!) writes: "I feel Sir A. Lone indeed!" Thanks, gentrygh, for putting into words what I never could!

On a side note, I really wish there was a way to change my Youtube username.

Least OP'd: The Master/God (ActRaiser and ActRaiser II)

There's a little word we use around my home that often comes in handy for situations like this: OP'd (oh-peed). OP'd is long for OP, which is short for Over-Powered. Yes, occasionally a game contains some character, unit, or move that is so unbalanced that the only word to describe it is "OP'd". But that isn't the correct usage of the term. Like many terms of art, the meaning has become a bit removed from the etymology; from a gamer's perspective, the meaning of OP'd is simple: anything used to defeat me. If I lose a match of Marvel vs. Capcom 3, the opposing character is clearly OP'd. So OP'd. That special attack he used to defeat me is even more OP'd. It's just bullshit. That Dragonite that defeated my entire Pokemon team is totally OP'd. So on.

Let's ignore that paragraph. Pretend it never happened, like that time in childhood when your... well, sometimes it's better to forget. In a game where the player takes the role of God (called The Master in the NA release), he would probably expect to feel a little OP'd. As a matter of fact, OP'd = OP = OverPowered < OmniPotent = OP = God = holyshiiiiiiiiiit! But the ActRaiser games completely twist your expectations, providing a substantial platforming challenge (particularly II). After a short time with the game, the player might actually arrive at just the opposite conclusion - that every single fucking enemy is utterly OP'd. We're talking about a game where God (yes, the Christian God, Lord Almighty, Praise His Name on High, Shalom) can be defeated by a dragonfly. A large dragonfly, sure, but a dragonfly nonetheless. Maybe this is the reason for it, but I don't remember any parts of the Bible where Jesus hides behind a bush to trick a bug into passing him over. Or, wait, is that what that Passover nonsense is all about?

Protagonistas: a few styles, briefly

What does it mean when "ista" is added to the end of a word? Spaniards? Can I get a ruling?

Game protagonists suck. I'm sorry to say it, because I love the medium and respect its burgeoning maturity, but it is highly troubled in this regard. The vast majority of games just don't know what to do with protagonists. Should the protagonist be the player-avatar or an NPC? Should they spout their own dialogue or rely on the player to choose it, or should they be altogether silent? We want to be taken into a character's story, but we also want it to be our story. There's a real have your cake and eat it too problem. It's one of the reasons games are so hard to adapt to other media (and vice versa) - there just tends to be this huge question of who the game is about.

Tricked you - it's about Raziel AND Kain!

America's most popular 'tag's seem to fall into one of two groups: dialogue tree guys and Introspection d00ds. By dialogue tree guys, I mean characters that only say exactly what you tell them to say, but whose role in the story is otherwise fixed. A Commander Shepherd, if you will. The problem I have with these types is that they are very much a role, not a character. They are defined by their function, by the fact that they knock the story into place. They don't have flaws or personalities or arcs, they just chime in at mission-critical moments to keep things underway.

On the other end of the spectrum we have heartily defined protags like Max Payne and Ezio Auditore, whom I would call Introspection guys. They get enough exposition to drive me to suicide, but the actual action of the game is completely disconnected from their internal monologue. Max is totally fucked as a character because his search for purpose has nothing to do with cover-shooting in a graveyard, and his wanton murder streak goes a long way toward rendering the character a joke. Now we have a case where the protagonist has a persona, but is undercut by his status as an avatar. The player's love for killing things is making it impossible to connect with a character who shouldn't.

An alternative approach that pops up from time to time is Ishmael. You've read Moby Dick, right? You've got the famous first line tattooed across your shoulder-blades? "Call me Ishmael, but don't call me late for dinner!" Etc. To recap, Ishmael serves solely as a lens through which the audience views the drama. He himself is sidelined by the story arc. FFXII does this with ol' whatever-his-name is, Vahn, right? That's a weird name. Anyway, you play as Vahn, but he doesn't have anything to do with the story. It's about some losers named Bosch or Blathers or something. Don't think I liked the plot of that one. Too many evil bad-guy ghosts and secret twin brothers.

Anyway, it's silent protagonists that are the proper incarnation of Ishmael in gaming. Beyond all the mindless fan-adoration, Link has never been much of a hero at all. Sure, he usually brings together all the macguffins that draw the story towards its climax, but the true stories within each Zelda game are those of the non-player characters we meets along the way: Medli overcoming her timidity, Midna's exile, Makar doing whatever the fuck was the deal with him but god I loved that character, Groose accpting his own insignificance, etc. The greatest example, of course, is Majora's Mask, in which nearly every character has their own developing storyline encapsulated by the quest for the associated mask. Beyond Zelda, we could also have a look at Half-Life 2 and its narrative, viewed through Gordon Freeman but actually about Alyx and Eli Vance.

Remember the time in high school English when I filmed myself playing Wind Waker while one of my friends read from Moby Dick, and we called it a "re-enactment"?

I'm not saying "silent protagonists are the only good protagonists", even though it sounds like that's exactly what I said, because they were the only ones I discussed using a positive tone. There are plenty of good player characters that are correctly matched to the experience, like RE4's Leon Kennedy, quipmaster extraordinaire with just enough heart and charm to melt a young girl's icy heart. That said, young girls probably have the most meltable hearts out there. Legacy of Kain's Kain and Raziel are probably my all-time favorite leading men, thanks not only to stellar voice-acting, but in particular to their carefully drawn out and interweaving plot. Kain is developed through Raziel and vice versa. Jumping across chasms and solving switch-puzzles may not lend much to their characters, but their insatiable appetite and wanton destruction need to be witnessed to truly understand their roles as gods.

The end. Boy I'm tired of this post.