Jumping the Sharpedo

Oh what a job it must be to be the dude/dudette who is tasked with translating new Pokemon names from Japanese to English.  I've always imagined it just was one person, arduously going through the new version's pokedex one-by-one and just really letting the creative juices flow.  Whatever word-scientist first invented the portmanteau must have zombie-cringed in their grave just around 1996.  Cringed hard.

It took me a surprisingly long time to puzzle out "Sharpedo." 

So Pokemon X and Y are on their way to America this October, and as usual there is some hubub about the starters and legendaries and all that good stuff.  Now I most certainly won't play X or Y because it's hard to stomach coughing up 40 bucks for a game I've bought 3 times previously.  That doesn't mean that a time-honored tradition need be neglected when the time comes: being weirded out by the increasing absurdity of the freshly-minted sprites.  Let's pause to reflect on some of the fucked up things the Pokemon corporation has envisioned while trying to pad their pokedex roster:

People tend to forget that Pokemon don't have to be limited to strange morphing of real-life animals, they can also be objects.  Look around wherever you are right now and pick something at random.  Draw it poorly.  Add a face. Sell it to Nintendo for millions.  Use those millions to fund your own creature-battle game.  Call it Digimon.  No wait, don't, it's taken apparently.  Call it....uhhhh....how about something like "Battlezards?"  

Yeah, I mean I don't even know what to say about this guy.  Are his arms the heads of birds?  Are those his arms?  Is that a mustache or pubic hair?  So many questions.

This guy's face just freaks me out.  He looks like he knows something I don't.  Also his existence begs a question regarding the new water starter:

Meet Froakie.  Which I reason out to be a combination of "frog" and "croak" with an affectionate-sounding ending.  Odds that the Pokemon team just plain forgot they already had created a water type frog Pokemon?  About 50 percent.  Odds that they just didn't care?  The remaining 50 percent.

I'll leave you with the trailer for the new game.  

Really stunning stuff here, folks.