Friday the 13th - There was something about this movie being a roller-coaster. Like the director or the producer or someone wanted the film to be the exact same experience as being on a roller-coaster. Bad news for whoever said it, whoever was supposed to do it, and us for watching it: it fucking blows. This is the ultimate pointless movie. It's not fun to watch, there's no subtext, no interesting visuals or actors, no plot, no nothing no more. It's a void into which you may, but shouldn't, dare to throw your time. Avoid like plague.
The Burning - For whatever dumb reason, this is ANOTHER slasher about summer camp. There were a shitload of movies on the subject in the early '80s; was it Friday the 13th copyfoot, or was there a popular news story / urban legend, or were they, like, just invented? I don't fucking know. IIRC the idea of camp was a way for the rich to get rid of their children during the only season they had to deal with them. Okay. So camp movies are about ad hoc societies of children. Lord of the Flies. BORING. SO BORED. This one has like Jason Alexander as king though which I thought was funny, and there are some actual characters who do actual things, which is in sharp contrast to Fry13. If you want a camp slasher, this appears to be the best.
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| Remember, HE'S not even in the first one |
I Spit on Your Grave - Oh boy. Where to even start with this movie. We've got sexual violence, the mentally handicapped, and some kind of feminist agenda all wrapped up into a really honestly pretty brutally unwatchable movie that has been at various points marketed as a slasher or exploitation. I'm just gonna describe it because there's not much more you can do. The first part is about the assault and rape of a young woman by a handful of backwoods youths in a secluded community. This is BORING because it involves stuff like the woman renting a house and ordering a pizza and driving places and the guys seeing her and talking to her. It's the Friday the 13th thing - this is utter, meaningless shit. So you wade through this drivel for the supposed payoff which is a woman getting raped by four backwoods hooligans, one of whom is mentally retarded.
Now.
Let's.
Stop.
There.
What the FUCK is WRONG with someone who would want to watch this? I'm not passing judgment on the act of watching fake rape or trying to take some moral position. I'm saying: who the fuck sits through an hour of some dumbass shit to see another few minutes of a different kind of dumbass shit? And I get the exploitation movie culture, the midnight movie screenings, the, you went to see this because there was no Internet of it all. But this isn't exploitation, because if it was, shot one would have been some idiots doing some silly/funny/crazy stuff and shot two would have been rape, not shots one-through-three-thousand are hicks sitting in a place, shot three-thousand-one is rape, etc.
What makes this movie so much worse is that the first hour of bullshit / stupid payoff is just the setup for the second hour of bullshit / stupid payoff. This second half actually COULD HAVE been a movie because it has AN idea, but it is not a movie because no one here knows what a plot or a dialogue or a storyboard artist is. In this part the woman that got raped goes and gets revenge in pretty much the exact manner you'd expect, lot's of fake seduction and dick chopping.
Alright alright alright I wasted way too much time already but you can see the paradox there, where the feminist that would like the second half would have to sit through the raping half and the misogynist that would like the first half would have to sit through the dickless half. I highly doubt anyone who worked on this movie was even smart enough to understand THAT. This is very likely the worst movie I have ever seen. Do not watch it. You will be completely embarrassed, disgusted, and depressed to have done so.
Witchboard III: The Possesion - Yeah this is just dumb. It's about a haunted Ouija board, but it isn't even a little bit funny. Honestly this movie is a hole in my head. It's what I expect you would get if you removed the QTEs from a Sega CD FMV game. You are welcome for this gem:
The Stuff - Almost there. Almost done this review crop. Honestly these five (sans The Burning which is perfectly passable in its own right) are all candidates for worst movie ever made. It has to have been a horrible week or two for me when I was making my way through these. I blame Netflix. Alright well The Stuff is this B movie about some kind of ice cream substitute that can control people's brains, but in practice it's the same thing as They Live and has some completely unbearable acting. If you're not ready for a 11-year-old lead who doesn't know how to act, then you're not ready for this movie. Don't be. It's just bad directing and idea that seems neat but doesn't sustain a 90-minute feature film. No.
That was mostly depressing to write. Check back next time for some stuff that might be better?:
Jack's Back
Dead Snow
Night of the Comet
Not of this Earth
Barbarella
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