Tuesday, February 19, 2013

3est Protagonists - Greg Edition

at 1:00 PM
Do I call myself Greg or Golem? I don't know. What I do know is that I've got three top-notch protagonists here.

Most Enigmatic: Snoopy
Protoman. Shadow the Hedgehog. Meta Knight. The most memorable video game characters are certainly the ones whose motives are never clearly stated. By making themselves scarce and never revealing when or why they'll act next, they inspire in us speculation. We feel the need to completely understand each character we come across.
Which makes Snoopy a perfect candidate. In Snoopy Concert, Snoopy invites the whole Peanuts gang to his concert. “I wonder if everyone will show up,” he thinks in the opening. “I hope so...” You would reasonably assume this dashes any sense of intrigue that Snoopy might raise. Yet here you can see him launching an attack on Rerun on his way to the concert.
What's Snoopy got against Rerun? Why can he fly with his ears? Were his thoughts in the opening but a ruse? These questions turn Schulz's innocent Peanuts universe on its head.

Most Likely to be Played by Sting in the Movie: Ranger X
Gordon Matthew Thomas Sumner, better known as Sting, is a man of many talents. Wikipedia tells us that he is no stranger to “incorporating distinct elements of jazz, reggae, classical, New Age, and worldbeat into his music.” Yet, from Every Breath You Take to Synchronicity II, Sting's vocals and bassistry kept us snapping our fingers.
In a similar manner, Ranger X provides a variety of missions and locales while keeping the action fierce. In the first stage, you'll engage in a desert shootout against hordes of enemies, while the second stage tasks you with some explosive spelunking. Add that to Sting's action chops (just take a look at Dune*), and what you have is a formula for the best guy-in-a-robot film since Robocop.
But wait... let's not forget Stewart Copeland and Andy Summers. Yes, Sting's solo career is impressive, but it's hard to deny the magic that The Police created as a well-oiled machine. That's why Stewart Copeland will be brought on board to voice Indra, the badass bike thing that provides Ranger X a base to stand on as solid as a good drum beat. Likewise, Andy Summers will take the helm of Eos, an airship that provides aerial support to Ranger X like any good guitarist.

Above: Sting and Stewart Copeland fighting alongside one another.
Yes, Ranger X will be the first film to fully utilize the talents of The Police.

Most Shoe Endorsements: Sonic

Go back to the year 2000. The Dreamcast is a roaring success. Sonic Adventure and the recently released Sonic Shuffle are rocking the nation. And Soap Shoes is looking for the right mammal to market their wares.
Soap shoes are more than just a tool for grinding; they're a way of life. See, handrails are intended to be used for safety. If you're walking down some steps, why don't you grab hold of a nearby railing? Soap shoes challenge the establishment by taking handrails and creating an opportunity for reckless and dangerous fun. Don't grip the rail with your hands... grip it with your shoes.
In Sonic Adventure 2, Soap ads are cleverly placed around Station Square.
This is a spirit that Sonic has embodied in all his games. Rather than report Robotnik to the authorities, Sonic always attacks the megalomaniac directly. Forsooth, Sonic even eggs him on by calling him Eggman. Time and again, Sonic pulls off irresponsible and brash stunts in a devil-may-care attitude that preteens can only dream of one day attaining. Within the Sonic mythos, this is what makes him the ultimate life form.

"Fakeout" ads are also used so that you don't think Soap is a real company. But no, it's just that some of the ads are real and some aren't.
As you can see, Sonic was a shoe-in for the Soap company. When Soap's marketing team saw Sonic, they saw a blue runny thing that said, "I'll play with you some other time!" after each and every boss fight. There is nary a better line for expressing the Soap philosophy.

* I've never seen Dune.


  1. Ok wait, reread it, and holy crap some of those annoying ads were real? 9 year old Andrew's head just exploded.

  2. City Escape has to be the best 3D Sonic stage, right? Or does its lack of high/low/middle paths upset you, Greg?