More facts for you to learn, for me and for you.
As with last time, here's the Google Docs link. Even if it fucked up the typesetting beyond belief, it at least shows you what I was going for with the pictures.
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Editor-in-Chief: Greg Gentry
Ever wonder how Aliens evolved the necessity for
a human host in their maturation process? Maybe Ridley Scott was simply using
the film to express his creationist worldview. ☺
Doctor Whaaaaaaaaaaat?
While British adults are world-renowned for their unusual cowardice, recent scientific studies indicate this tendency may originate as early as childhood.
While British adults are world-renowned for their unusual cowardice, recent scientific studies indicate this tendency may originate as early as childhood.
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| Exhibit A: Ruled terrifying for children |
Finding sparsely
lighted rubbish bins - known as "Daleks" on the Doctor Who television
serial - petrifying, young children would hide behind the sofa when watching the
programme. As such, "behind the sofa" has become a common expression
in the Queen's English to denote a
nostalgic feeling of utter, paralysing terror. ☺
Upon its release, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner received mixed reviews from
critics, and Coleridge was once told by the publisher that most of the book's
sales were to sailors who thought it was a naval songbook. William Wordsworth
believed the poem to be a great deterrent to Coleridge's work by virtue of its
strangeness and the lack of distinction of the eponymous character. ☺
The Streisand
effect is a primarily online phenomenon in which an attempt to hide or
remove a piece of information has the unintended consequence of causing the
information to be publicized widely and to
a greater extent than would have occurred if no contrary action had been
attempted. It is named after American entertainer Barbra Streisand, following a 2003 incident in which her attempts
to suppress photographs of her residence inadvertently generated further
publicity and an episode of South
Park
The period extending from the late 1940s until
1961 is known in the U.S.
American History 000h
At its peak around 1920 (before women's
suffrage), the KKK encompassed nearly 15% of the voting population of
the U.S.
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| Pictured: The joy of racial equality |
Al Jolson, America America
Splatterpunk was a movement in the eighties and early nineties in written horror
fiction, characterized by the type of explicit graphic violence which exceeds
even what we now refer to as “torture porn”. Imagine novelizations of Doom 2 (with corny names almost all including the
words “meat” and “splatter”) and you’ll get the idea. It has gone down in
history as the worst and most
unnecessary usage of the “punk” suffix. ☺
English majors may already know that in the Middle Ages, it
was common for authors to include retractions at the end of their works,
begging for forgiveness for vulgar or simply unsatisfactory content. These apologies are known as palinodes, the
most famous of which is Chaucer’s retraction of The Canterbury Tales. ☺
The author of the previous segment would like to
apologize for any inaccuracies, misconstruction, or offensive content contained
therein. He would further like to beseech for Mercy on his soul the Lord God on
High. ☺
The author of the
previous segment would like to apologize for the predictable joke and
unwarranted sacrilege that he unwisely saw fit to convey. ☺
New Feature: Letter(s)!
Dear Abby,
I am, as
they say, on the lam. I've fled to a new town and am currently staying under
the roof of a kindly old couple. The rent they ask is meager, and I'm enjoying
my new job at the local filling station.
However, there have been reports of my crime, and crude depictions of my
face have been posted in the news.
I fear the old couple may grow suspicious. So
far, they seem unaware. Do I have nothing to worry about?
-Concerned Criminal
Well C.C., it’s a tough issue you’ve brought up,
but that’s what I’m here for. Before we get too wrapped up in activities of
questionable legality, let’s take a minute to remember that my name is not
Abby, it’s Greg. There. Doesn’t that feel better? We’re halfway there.
Now, on to the issue of the concealed
identity. For situations like yours, seasoned criminals rely on what they like
to call “the three M’s”: the mustache, the murder, and the male-to-female sex change
operation. That’s all well and good, but we don’t want you to end up as a bearded
lady on trial for two counts of homicide! The trick is to choose the correct “M”
for the situation.
The
major factors you need to take into consideration are the severity of your
crime, the limits of your public exposure, and your attachment to your penis.
For instance: if you’re on the run for a series of unpaid parking tickets,
you’re probably only making things worse by slaughtering every individual who
recognizes your face. On the other hand, if you’re wanted for getting a little
too personal with the kids down at the grade school, murder might be a good
idea, both to decrease the odds of arrest, and to buff up your image before the
inevitable jail stint.
Luckily, you seem to have found a temporary
room and board situation, so you probably won’t be having casual run-ins with
the men in blue. That in addition to your currently limited income would lead
me against recommending the sex change operation. If anything, the procedure would
probably just rouse the suspicion of your landlords! The elderly generally rely
on major facial characteristics for identification, such as scars, makeup, and hair. I think you know what that means!
And one last piece of advice, C.C. Lose that
job at the filling station! Think of how many people see your face when they
stop in for gas!
Best of luck with your time outside the law.
Hope I don’t see you on the news anytime soon!
-Abby (real name: Greg)
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