Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Darksiders totally ripped off Gargoyle's Quest

at 3:16 PM
After all the whining about Darksiders being a copypants and then me whining about people whining about Darksiders being a copypants, there's one thing we've all forgotten to mention. The main villain is called The Destroyer. That is a terrible and highly stupid name for a character, especially because it's apparently not even a nickname or anything. Wait, nickname isn't the right word. You know what I mean, like an alias or come on I know there's a better word that's escaping me. Kenning? I just looked up some kennings and "destroyer of eagle's hunger" meaning "warrior" is uh... well... maybe that's this Destroyer's full name.

Anyway, it's the type of name that so blatantly and artlessly characterizes a villain that you would expect it to appear in, oh I dunno, an old NES or Game Child game. Wait a tek! Game Child? That reminds me of Game Girl... which reminds me of Game Genie... which reminds me of Game Boy... which reminds me of Game Boy Color... which reminds of Game Boy... which reminds me of 3DS Virtual Console Game Boy... which reminds me of a classic recently on my tongue's tip: Gargoyle's Quest! The first Fire Brandy game; spinoff of Ghosts n' Goblins, precursor to Demon's Crest, agitator of RPG and platformer stereotypes. And whatcha-no, the villain of GarQ (gark) is none other than The Destroyer! Is this a crossover? Some type of veiled future reference to the connection between Darksiders and another GnG spinoff, Maximo? What could this mean. It can't be coincidence. Maybe it's a message from the baby Jesus? Take the letters of "Destoyer", order them phonetically (?), translate to ancient Greek, translate the ancient Greek to modern Greek, and translate that back to English. The resultant phrase may shock you: "Obama did 9/11"?! And that's just what I got from making up the answers! Think of what could happen if you actually did all the translations!
 
Did I cover my thesis already? I'm gonna assume yes and move on. The number of lines above looks pretty small, but that's probably a welcome change from my recent thousand-word standard. If I knew at age 16 that in just seven years time I'd happily write a thousand-word paper every single day, I'd have built a rocketship instead of getting older. Time [takes slow pull from cigarette]; she is a cruel mattress. Cruel buttress? Well she's at least a good name for a song. Pink Floyd's best song is called "Time", and so is Richard Hell and the Voidoids'! Look how your reaction to that sentence went from "yeah boy!" to ":(((" in less that one word. Apparently having a short and crappy premise allows for me to spend extra paragraphs doing this.

GarQ has the typically minimal (and not-that-fantastically-translated) dialogue familiar from its era, but what the hell is this:
Baron: Firebrand, you are too late, they took the candle. It's in the Desert of Destitution to the east of here.
Firebrand: [Choose Yes or No - turns out you can only progress by choosing no? Of course!]
Maybe it's just me, but playing 3DS VC, I miss the old green palette. Feel like it at least coulda been an option, since every free GB emulator on the planet provides it 
Now I will review the name of each item in the game:
Blockbuster - Good start, I like a descriptive name. 3/5
Claw - Hmm, we're getting vaguer. 2/5
Darkfire - Moving in the wrong direction - did a six-year-old name this? 1/5
Armor of the Dragon - Wonder Boy III reference! AWESOME. 5/5
Armor of Guile - Street Fighter II crossover! Now I'm imagining Firebrand in camo pants. 4/5
Candle of the Poltergeist - Kinda meaningless. 2/5
Candle of Darkness - Oh, irony, I get it. 3/5
Eternal Candle - More candle irony? What? 3/5
Falcon Wings - Utilitarian. 3/5
Fingernail of the Spectre - Why would a ghost have fingernails? And why would they be magic??? 5/5
Gremlin Stick - More word salad but I laughed that having a Gremlin Stick allows one to see the future. 4/5
Vial - Not even worth scoring.
Essence of the Soulstream - Whatever. 2/5
Talisman of the Cyclone - This item is a one-up - did you get that from the name? 1/5

I have this problem CONSTANTLY

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