Monday, February 25, 2013

Ezio's 3 -est Protagonist Awards

at 12:44 PM
Most Unintentionally Horrifying- The King (Sneak King)

Yep, no rape here.
When the Xbox360 was initially released, I passed on it because I was not really into FPSes, and I had deluded myself into thinking that was all that it had to offer. My brother got one a few years after launch, though, and with some reluctance I began to play it. Unfortunately, the only game he had purchased was the newly launched Halo 3, confirming my beliefs about the system. Then, one fateful day, he decided on a whim to buy all three 360 games featuring the I-am-pretty-sure-is-defunct mascot of Burger King from said establishment. The bumper car one was alright, and I think there was a motorbike one, but that was pretty forgettable. The highlight of the set was Sneak King, a game in which you, as the creepy mascot, had to sneak up behind a person and shove your burgers (definitely not penises) into their mouth. It's pretty rapey in tone. The BK people making this game had to have realized this, right? Then again, making the message of the game, "you literally have to force someone to eat our products, otherwise no one will," does not suggest the developers were competent in any way....

Most Obviously A Marketing Scheme- Cool Spot (Cool Spot)
The Burger King trio of games was probably intended to be promotional, but I cannot imagine any rational person going to Burger King for the express purpose of getting these games. It is not exactly going to bring in customers. Therefore, I nominate the also defunct mascot of 7Up to the lofty throne of advertisement protagonists. For those of you not in the know of all of the late 80's/early 90's mascots with "attitude," Cool Spot was the red dot that is on 7Up bottles. But with sunglasses. That's how you know he is cool, after all. The people at 7UP decided well if we are not going to put any time in designing the face of our company, we better make a video game about him. They must have read some data that kids like sugary drinks and video games, and thought that brainwashing children into drinking their product was a great scheme. Considering how much 7UP I started drinking after playing this game, it assuredly was. 

Best Disguised- Octodad (Octodad)
In Octodad, you play as an octopus, who is pretending to be human. Octodad's loving human family becomes suspicious of him if he acts strangely, so you are required to do household chores as normally as possible to preserve your secret identity. The game's plot makes way too much sense, I know. His perfect integration into human society warrants a spot on this list. Just watch:

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