Tuesday, August 14, 2012


at 9:46 PM
I recently moved into a new house with some college friends.  In the living room, stealthily hidden among heaping mounds of beer cans, beer bottles, whiskey bottles, broken toy helicopters (used to combat the GODDAMN GIGANTIC  HORRIFYING BATTLE-HORNETS that for some reason claimed my kitchen as their forward-deployed command and operations center) and more beer cans, is my bro’s xbox.

Just like every gangsta needs a gangsta boo, every xbox needs games.  What does my bromadon’s game catalogue consist of, you ask?   Call of Duty: Modern Warfare I, 2, and 3. World at War and Black Ops.  5 games total.  At first sight, I gave my gag reflex a work out, choking back….well, just beer……and then thought better of it and puked all over him and the trash he called a game collection.  And on actual trash. We really need to clean.

Now I know, for us “real gamers,” it’s stereotypical to hate on COD fans.  What’s not to loathe? Wait, I need to clarify something.  I am not a real gamer.  The only system I own nowadays is a Nintendo 3DS that I use to play strictly Mario games and Mario Kart.  I might go buy Kid Icarus, but don’t get your hopes up.

Anyway it’s stereotypical for people like Yourself and L. Greg to trash (I still need to clean) people who only play COD, and to be fair most of the time these people are the worst kind of people.  For real, they only play it because they turned 12 and Halo stopped being the cool game to scream nigger [Christ Andrew do you WANT me never to be able to get a real job?] at.  That’s why I, in turn, started screaming nigger at my bromanchu.  I desperately needed to teach him to have better taste in games, and I figure I need to start establishing myself as the alpha in the new digs.

Unlike my fellow bloggers, though, I have a can-do attitude and a big heart.  I pondered and pondered…spent days, which turned into weeks, which turned into months, which turned into mega-months, contemplating why people have such bad taste in games.  I came up with a sort of half-answer which isn’t really satisfying but whatever.  As I see it, we all have crappy taste in one thing or another, or in Kyle Reese’s case, almost everything.  I recalled a few weeks back, asking Ezio for a book recommendation…and I specifically asked for a “crappy fantasy book that will numb my mind for a while as I periodically run out of booze.”  I had just finished the first two books in the Kingkiller Chronicle, and I had the standard “well shit what do with literally all my free time now?” feeling you get when you finish something good.  And so I wanted the same, comfortable, feeling, just as my brotrane likes the feeling of youth that pervades his membrane as he shrieks obscenities and plays COD BLOPS.  As Americans, it really is the only thing besides purchasing consumer goods in an orgy of consumption that makes us feel alright.

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